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Consulting Group, Inc. Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, CEO RelationShifts Archive
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ALL AFFAIRS ARE BILATERAL This insight may be a useful one, even if one of you has never had an “affair.” I once heard someone say that all affairs are bilateral. What did it mean? In the classic sexual affair, one partner has pulled away from the relationship in some way and invested that energy elsewhere. When one partner has an affair, the other usually feels deeply wounded and righteously angry. The wounded partner feels betrayed and victimized, as if a core trust has been lost. This often colors the remainder of the relationship, with the guilty partner having to somehow “prove” that he or she can be trusted again. Now I need to be clear about this. It’s very damaging to a relationship to break any core agreement, especially one about monogamy. If you are considering doing so, I’d suggest that you either work on your relationship or leave your relationship before you do so. I do not in any way condone sexual affairs within a monogamous relationship. They are damaging, sometimes beyond the possibility of repair. But is it really true that there is one “bad” guilty party, and one innocent “victimized” party? What does it mean to have someone make the outrageous statement that “All affairs are bilateral”? It starts to make sense if we expand our definition of “affair” to encompass any external diverting of emotional energy from the relationship. Is it possible that one partner is having a sexual affair with his or her secretary while the other is having an “affair” with their children? When parents are overly invested in their children they may smother them, live vicariously through them, take the children’s behavior personally, or have a hard time separating their own wants and needs from that of their children. Is it possible that one partner is having a sexual affair with the neighbor while the other is having an “affair” with work? Many people become overly invested in their work, getting much of their sense of identity through it, voluntarily spending more and more time at the office, rarely slowing down enough to get in touch with themselves or others. Is it possible that each partner has pulled back from the relationship and invested that energy externally, one in the form of a sexual encounter, the other in some other external way? Relationships are scary, and we have all kinds of ways of escaping from whatever is triggered by the potential for intimacy. In some ways you could argue that it’s much less destructive to over-invest your emotions in the children, or in work, than to over-invest them in the form of a sexual affair. I can’t really argue with that. However, can you see that, from another level, there might be a kind of “equality”? If you’re in a relationship that has suffered an affair, step back and re-examine the situation. Again, this doesn’t mean that it’s ever justified to break a core relationship agreement like monogamy. It’s generally emotionally devastating. With that in mind, however, take a look. Had the “wronged” partner checked out of the marriage in some other way? Except in very rare cases, people in relationships are getting their needs met equally. Was that talked about? Was there open communication? The willingness to look at this honestly could be the first step to a healthy healing, the first step to find a way to truly let go of whatever happened in the past and move with honesty into the present and future. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved In our relationships, we often find ourselves responding in habitual ways. We get upset at the same old things (lateness or compulsive punctuality, messiness or excessive neatness, etc.) We respond to our partners with a small percentage of our awareness, the rest of that awareness going to the TV, our internal dialogue, general agitation, zoning out, computers/internet, alcohol, drugs, food, or other foci of attention. So you find yourself responding in a habitual way, and you don’t like
it. How to get out of the rut?
A healthy relationship is always NEW. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved ANGER A well known “expert” on handling conflict in intimate relationships bemoans our tendency to avoid an occasional lusty brawl, which can clear the air like a refreshing thunderstorm. He supports the ability to express anger in a “normal and guiltless” way. The fight is then scored on a number of dimensions, including the “authenticity” of the anger, and whether the fighter’s aggression is based on justifiable, rational considerations. Many people like this prescription for the expression of healthy anger. But when is anger truly healthy? Let’s set up a scenario. You are someone deeply comfortable with intimacy (so you do not need anger to push your partner away when you are scared). You take responsibility for your experience in life (so you do not blame your partner, or ever feel like a victim). You truly know that your happiness does not depend on the world being any particular way, so you are able to share your wants and needs with your partner without taking them too seriously. You love being soft and open, are able to experience yourself as vulnerable and to share in a vulnerable way, so you do not need anger to cover up the more tender emotions of sadness, fear, pain, grief, etc. I know this is a lot to ask, but just for a moment pretend that you are at this level of development. OK. Now when would you get angry? When would it be justifiable and rational? You might find it difficult to find good reasons to express anger from within this healthy structure. If so, you must see that when anger arises it is not “caused” by anything outside of you. It is a reflection of something needing attention within you. Why put the “honest expression of anger” on a pedestal? This is why I call most direct expressions of anger “verbal vomiting.” We are blaming someone or something for our anger. We are feeling like victims. How does that add to the quality of our relationship? There is a clean way to express anger. We share with our partners that anger is arising, in some context, without blaming them for it. We do it to promote openness and vulnerability, perhaps even to ask for their assistance. Have a clean and open discussion with your partner about the role of anger in your relationship. Try having anger be off limits for a week. If anger arises, communicate about what you are experiencing at a deeper level, including what beliefs and attitudes are supporting your anger. See what happens! copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved ASSETS AND LIABILITIES Would you like to try an exercise that can greatly open communication between you and your partner, and create the potential for a powerful and healthy shift? Try this one: Set aside at least an hour when (if possible) you will not be distracted or interrupted. Each of you first sits down separately with a piece of paper and take some time to write out answers to the following two questions: (1) In what way am I am asset in my partner’s life? (2) In what way am I a liability in my partner’s life? Then sit down together. One of you reads your list and the other asks you questions, then reverse roles. Make sure that this is an open and vulnerable discussion, and that BLAMING IS OFF LIMITS. Be willing to ask your partner how you can be more of an asset in his/her life, and less of a liability – and be willing to make some changes to facilitate that. Finally, each evening for a week make sure you take a few minutes to acknowledge whatever you have noticed your partner doing to contribute to the quality of your life. The basis of this exercise is that the more you are willing to be assets in each other’s lives, the healthier the relationship will be. Most people focus on what their partner is or is not doing for them, rather than on how they are contributing to the joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction of their partner. The movement here is from seeing your partner as an object whose value lies in the extent to which they meet your needs, to seeing your partner as someone whose happiness is genuinely important to you. It is movement from being self-centered to opening your heart. Ground rules: You have no right to demand anything from each other. I may tell you that you would be more of an asset in my life if you would go bowling with me three nights a week, but it does not mean that you have to. This is not a business deal where we keep score, where if I do something helpful then I believe that I have the right to demand something in return. When we have that attitude, it means that we are not really giving at all – there are strings attached, and we are giving to get. The spirit of this exercise is to become more of an asset in your partner’s life. Period. Do not contaminate it. Let your heart lead the way. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved BARRIERS TO INTIMACY How do you know when you’re truly being intimate? Some of us mistake sexual energy for intimacy. Others mistake an agitated neediness for the same. True intimacy is a state of being. In intimacy we are warmly vulnerable, and we discover that vulnerability is its own reward. We find that it’s nurturing and nourishing to be vulnerable to whatever we are experiencing, whether that experience is pleasurable or painful. In intimacy we rest gently in our hearts, rather than trusting our thoughts or emotions to tell us what is real. In intimacy we take life lightly. We watch our patterns, our beliefs about what we need to be happy, and we don’t take them seriously. In intimacy we know that we are already OK, just as we are, and that nothing needs to change for us to be perfectly content in this moment. Intimacy isn’t something we can make happen. Our only “power” is in our way of BEING, our way of responding to the world. We have the choice about hanging on or letting go, about being closed and hard on the inside or open and tender. Here’s the exercise: Sit across from your partner. Allow gentle eye contact, and notice your way of BEING in this moment. No judgments. Don’t try to change anything. Don’t turn this into a human potential movement activity of “I’ll open my heart” or “I’m going to be more compassionate.” To whatever extent your heart is closed, be gently OK with that. To whatever extent you’re not fully present or not fully vulnerable, allow a tender response to that awareness. Now ask yourself on the inside, “What’s in the way of my being more intimate, in this moment?” Accept whatever comes, warmly and gently. Again, don’t try to change it. Instead, gently open to it. Whatever you’re noticing, find a place in you that could be OK with that never changing. Find a place to rest in your heart. Sit quietly. After some time, ask yourself the same question about barriers to intimacy, and again be gently OK with whatever arises. Keep going, relaxing at deeper and deeper levels. I’d suggest that you agree ahead of time to not dialogue after this exercise. Allow this to be a personal journey that you share together. It helps to not feel a need to share what arose within you. This exercise can be elegantly profound. Let me know what you discover. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved BUMPER CARS Here’s a model: Imagine five planets orbiting a star. Who we really are is the star – our essential nature – peaceful, fulfilled, at rest. All of us have had at least moments of residing there, moments when we knew that peace was our essential nature, that we didn’t need the world to be any particular way to be content. We also have five surface bodies – mental, emotional, physical, volitional (will) and intuitive. When we rest in our essential nature, those surface bodies are vehicles of expression for that deeper truth – and our thoughts, feelings, will, etc. come from a place of clarity and purity. We all have patterns in those surface bodies. I may have mental patterns that tell me not to trust people, or that I need approval. I may have emotional patterns of sadness, or feelings of unworthiness. I may have volitional patterns of needing to assert myself, to gain power over others, so that I don’t need to feel my own helplessness. I may have physical patterns of over-eating or addiction in order to cover a sense of inner shame. I may have intuitive patterns that scan my environment for danger. None of these patterns are a problem if we recognize them, stay aware of them, and continue to reside in what we KNOW to be true, rather than in what these patterns are telling us. When we reside in what we KNOW to be true we relax around these patterns, we take them lightly, and we continue to reside in our essential nature. However, when we believe that we ARE those surface bodies – when we believe that our thoughts and feelings are accurate reflection of what is TRUE – then we become agitated and feel a pressing need to do whatever our thoughts and feelings are telling us we need to do in order to be happy and safe and secure. We give power to these patterns, and make ourselves miserable. Why are those thoughts and feelings not an accurate reflection of reality? Because they’re all based on the idea that we’re incomplete, and somehow need the world to be a certain way in order for us to be OK. They’re based on the idea that the world revolves around us and our needs. They turn everyone else into objects that are meeting our needs or not. We’re lost in illusion and suffering. When two people come together there are three possibilities. One is that they meet at the level of essential nature, the star. They enhance each other’s glow and share in each other’s radiance. This is the potential of all relationship. The second is that one comes at the level of essential nature (Person A) while the other comes orbiting in the surface bodies (Person B). Person A will not be reactive with Person B. Person A will not want or need anything from Person B, at least not on a deep level. Person A will not get “hooked” by anything that Person B says or does. Person B will gradually become quieter inside, and begin to reside more in their essential nature. They will experience a beautiful pull toward serenity, or else remove themselves because they don’t feel ready to do so. The last possibility – both people residing in their surface bodies. This is what I call a “bumper car” relationship – my surface bodies banging against yours, each of us trying to get our needs met through the other. Unfortunately this is the typical relationship. As long as we’re having a relationship at this level, there’s no hope. Our relationships will be chronically unsatisfying, and they’ll be vehicles for deeper entrapment rather than greater freedom. Think about it. (My thanks to John de Ruiter for his presentation of the overall model upon which this newsletter is based) copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved CHOOSING THE RUDDER You are sitting in a Relation-Ship. There are several rudders you can choose to guide your partnership through the Sea of Life. Some of those rudders speak loudly and forcefully. One tells you to protect yourself, to stay safe. Another tells you to do whatever you can to be comfortable. A third tells you to make sure to get your needs met. A fourth tells you how to avoid being too vulnerable and feeling too much pain. All of those voices are based on some variation of the theme that you need to control your internal and external worlds in order to be happy. There is also a rudder that speaks very softly. It is the smallest and the deepest voice. It never shouts over the others, never tries to dominate, yet it’s the one with the greatest wisdom. How do you recognize it? This voice gentles and quiets you on the inside when you listen to it. Its message is always about letting go, not about holding on. Inner nectar is released when you follow its guidance. None of the other rudders, the ones based on thoughts and feelings, do that. This rudder is based on the deepest truth you can access, a knowing that is deeper than thoughts, feelings, or intuition. Which rudder do you choose to guide your Relation-Ship? If you choose the smallest and deepest then the other, louder ones will yell even louder at first – yet you never have to listen to them. And the more you listen to this quiet and gentle voice, the more potential for having the kind of relationship you’ve always dreamed of. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved CLEAN COMMUNICATION, PART ONE How do you keep a conversation clean, especially when it is about an emotionally charged area? How do you maximize the potential for a healthy and energizing discussion, while minimizing the possibility of it escalating into a bitter, destructive, and draining argument? Try this simple exercise: Imagine that there is a soft membrane between you and your partner. Now, in having this discussion, only talk about what is happening on your side of the membrane. When you do this correctly, what you say is not arguable. This is very important. You are making statements that are just about your experience, not about the other, in a way that is not arguable. There is an art to doing this effectively. First, you have to be willing to see your thoughts and feelings as just thoughts and feelings, rather than TRUTH. People have been taught to make “I” statements. The problem with “I” statements is that I can say, “OK, here’s my truth. I’m sharing my feelings. I feel that you are a selfish jerk.” Can you see how that reaches over the membrane and becomes arguable? You also have to be willing to suspend your tendency to KNOW that you are RIGHT. You have to be vulnerable, and take yourself lightly. If you are staying soft, light and open on the inside, you are probably on the right track. If you are feeling closed, heavy and hard on the inside you are definitely on the wrong track, no matter how well crafted your words may be. Notice the huge difference between these two statements: (1) “I’m angry because you were late AGAIN and we’ve talked about this over and over, and you just think about yourself and never about me!” Notice how arguable that is? (2) “We were late getting out the door. I’m feeling angry. I’m telling myself that you just think about yourself and never about me. Underneath the anger I’m feeling hurt. I notice that I’m making this a big deal inside, blowing it up and taking this as a reflection of how much you love me and respect my needs. There’s something about these issues where I allow myself to really get steamed up. I don’t fully know why.” Is there anything there you could argue with? Can you see how different your “arguments ‘ would be if you kept the membrane in place? Try it! copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved CLEAN COMMUNICATION, PART TWO A lot of us learned to make “I” statements as a way to have cleaner communication. We were told that by doing so we would be taking more responsibility and blaming less. This really isn’t true. Why? Because we communicate much more with who we are BEING than with what we are SAYING. I once had a meeting with an adolescent girl and her high corporate executive father. He clearly had taken all the right communications courses, and had passed with flying colors. He phrased his sentences crisply, always using “I’ statements. He spoke of choices rather than using the language of demands. He listened carefully and paraphrased before responding. He provided acknowledgement for positive behavior. Yet, I was also aware that if he had been my father I would have wanted to bang his head into the wall. Why? Because he was just an angry, blaming, rigid, unapproachable man using socially and politically correct wording. The incongruency between who he WAS and what he was SAYING made him even less approachable, because you could not easily confront him with his words. His words shielded him from acknowledging his true attitudes and beliefs. If I were his daughter, I would have preferred he be directly blaming, angry and judgmental. At least that would have been REAL, and given me something tangible to respond to. If you want to communicate cleanly, enjoy your life, and improve your relationship, first work on yourself. Be willing to soften and open, to not take yourself so seriously. Notice your anger and judgments, and examine them carefully. Understand that you have responsibility for anything that goes on in the relationship (see my tip, “Make blaming off limits”). Be willing to be vulnerable. Let go of your need to be right. Value truth and honesty over control and manipulation. See your partner as a separate and wonderful being, rather than as someone you judge according to how well he or she meets your needs. THEN, and only then, it becomes useful to find ways of languaging that support your new way of BEING. Otherwise, your use of words will just infuriate others because the words are “correct” yet hollow, empty, and hypocritical. Notice the words you use. When you acknowledge someone in a positive way, are you genuinely experiencing a sense of appreciation? When you use caring words, is your heart behind then? Have an honest discussion with your partner about the congruency between the words you use and how he or she experiences you. Ask for acknowledgement when there is a clean congruency, as well as feedback when that is missing. Be honest when you would like to be feeling something, yet you are not. Honest and vulnerable conversation is MUCH more intimate than hiding behind words that you do not really mean. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved DECISION MAKING 101 You need to make some decisions in your relationship. They may be small ones (Should we stay home tonight or go out? Who should we invite to the party?). They may be of medium intensity (How should I respond when I’m frustrated or angry with my partner? Where should we live?). They could be much larger ones (Should we have children? Should I have an affair? Should I seek a divorce?). Decision making can seem so hard. When you have a decision to make, just follow these simple steps:
OK, that was easy, right? So now you can relax and not take any of those
thoughts, emotions, or intuitions seriously. Let them be like bad background
music in an elevator or department store. Now follow these next simple
steps:
OK? copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved EYES AS WINDOWS TO THE SOUL Here’s a simple and remarkably powerful exercise that can foster a beautiful deepening in your relationship. Create a safe, intimate space. The first time you do this, fifteen minutes is enough. Later you might want to extend the time. Make sure you won’t be disturbed (as much as possible). Turn off the phone. Use soft lighting, bright enough that you can see each other’s eyes. Sit comfortably, facing each other. Now just look at each other with the intention of allowing your eyes to be windows into your souls. Most of us guard against this. We harden around our eyes, so people cannot look in. Relax your eyes. Allow them to open and soften. Allow the intention to be SEEN, deeply SEEN. Do NOT try to look a certain way. Do not TRY to look open or loving. Relax. Notice the tendency to do something to feel less vulnerable, perhaps to laugh. Alternate your awareness between yourself and your partner. Allow your eyes and face to relax, feeling the vulnerability of your eyes as windows to your soul. Then shift your awareness to your partner, with the intention of really seeing him or her. Let go of all preconceived ideas about who this person is. You will likely see things you have never seen before. Be relaxed, open, and curious. Stay in your heart. Then shift your awareness back, make sure you are staying soft, open, and vulnerable. Then shift back to SEEING your partner. BE SEEN, then SEE. Perhaps you can stay aware of both at the same time. After about five minutes (you could set a timer if you wish) allow your eyes to close, settle inside yourself, and just notice whatever enters your awareness. After a few minutes allow your eyes to open, and share with each other what you experienced. Stay soft and genuine. Allow your hearts to be open. Do not close up now. Stay vulnerable. What is it like to bring your relationship into this moment, freshly? Most of us resist being seen, because it seems too vulnerable, too scary. Most of us are too lost in our encapsulated realities to truly notice who we are sharing our lives with. As long as we are in our typical egoic patterns, our whole lives are focused on “What about me?” MY needs. We look at each other mostly in terms of our own needs. We do not see our partners for who they are. If you do this exercise with sincerity, it will be as if you have both snapped out of a dream-like state. You hadn’t even realized you were going through life on autopilot and suddenly you are HERE - and you will experience yourselves, the other, and the relationship in a new and vibrant way. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved “FAIR FIGHTING” AND INSANITY One well known author’s central idea is that intimate relationships can be more fulfilling, rewarding, satisfying, and liberating when we are able to have an occasional “clearing the air” fight with certain rules to keep the fight “fair.” This initially has some logic. It is destructive to stuff our resentments, gradually letting them fester inside until we harden and close our hearts. Perhaps anything is better than that. The obvious solution is often called “first order change.” It initially makes all kinds of sense. I generally recommend taking a step back from what seems obvious, however, to explore deeper solutions to what we see as the problem. I am told that there was a Test of Insanity. The potentially “insane” person was brought into the town square where there was a bucket, a ladle, and a faucet of water running into the bucket. They were told to empty the bucket. The “test” was whether they kept furiously using the ladle to empty the bucket, or whether they first considered turning off the water. Apply this to your “fair fighting.” It is probably better to empty the bucket than to let it overflow and make a big mess. But what fills the bucket in the first place? What attitudes, what beliefs about life, what expectations, what nonsense do we allow that leads to the build-up that then needs to be released? All of us know, at a deep level, that we demand too much from our relationships. We act as if the relationship can and should make us happy, forgetting that happiness is the state in which we naturally reside when we relax our judgments, demands, and expectations, when we stop needing to have the world be any particular way. Unless we examine how our resentments build up, unless we take responsibility for our lives, we will continue to need to “dump” on each other, and our relationships will only be a fraction of their potential. Is your relationship insane? copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved FAMILY HERITAGE What did you learn about relationships from your parents’ relationships? Grandparents? What decisions did you make, consciously or unconsciously? What conclusions did you come to? How much do you know about your partner’s family heritage? What do you know about his or her decisions and conclusions? This can be fertile ground for a discussion with your partner. Set aside at least an hour, perhaps over dinner somewhere. Start with an attitude of open, nonjudgmental curiosity. Talk about these topics, and ask each other clarifying questions. How intimate were your parents’ relationships? What were their strengths and challenges? Did they argue? Fight? How? When they did, did they come to resolution? What were their typical patterns? Complaints? Did they blame? Involve the children in their fights? What about sexuality? Touching? Intimacy? How connected? Enjoy each other? Laugh together? Were they happy together? Support each other? What did they tell you about relationships? What patterns did you “inherit”? Do you want to continue those patterns? Save a few minutes at the end to discuss the implications. What do you need to be aware of, individually and together? How can you support each other? Be gentle with yourselves and each other. Having patterns is OK, even ones that look negative. Feeling bad about them just deepens them. Being able to see them lightly, with a tender heart, is the first step to transformation. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved FRUSTRATION AND ANGER How many of us never get frustrated or angry with ourselves or our partners? If you’re one of them, you’re probably not reading this newsletter. Our frustration and anger stem from the erroneous beliefs that the world owes us something, that there’s something outside of ourselves that we need to be happy, and that things aren’t OK just the way they are. All of us, at some level, know that these beliefs are neurotic. All of us, at some level, know that it’s possible to gently relax into this moment, no matter what is happening inside us or outside us, that there is a place deep within where we can rest our weary heads and be at peace. But how do we find this place? First, allow yourself to be warmly OK with your anger and frustration. Don’t judge them. It’s OK to be angry and frustrated. At the same time, gently recognize that they are symptomatic of a distorted way of being. Because of this, although you are building a convincing case on the inside to support these feelings, you are not “right.” You must be willing to let go of that powerful belief that you are “right.” Don’t trust it, no matter how compelling the logic. Instead, be grateful that life has presented you with an opportunity for melting a dysfunctional pattern. My experience is that the righteous inner voices of thoughts and feelings can become deafening in intensity, demanding attention and obedience. It can feel impossible to gently ignore them. It isn’t. Relax instead into the heart of the feelings around the pattern. Allow a soft and tender internal response to whatever you’re experiencing. Let the anger and frustration become a messenger, reminding you to allow your heart to be quieted and gentled. Letting go is a gift you’re giving yourself that heals the wounded heart and releases the nectar within. The larger the anger/frustration, the greater the gift when you soften and surrender. Try it! copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved GENUINELY WANT THE BEST FOR YOUR PARTNER Relationships can seem very confusing at times, right? They tend to begin fairly smoothly, but often doubts or tension set in. Perhaps after a while we don’t feel as close as we once did – or sometimes we do, and sometimes we don’t. We may feel warm feelings mixed in with resentment or frustration. We may even wonder if we should continue in the relationship. We may be aware of so many different sides to the situation that it becomes like a fog we cannot see through. There is a remarkably simple and elegant way out of the confusion. Check to see the extent to which you are genuinely wishing the best for your partner. Look at your partner, and ask yourself: “Am I sincerely interested in my partner being happy and content? Do I see my partner as a separate being whom I cherish, and to whose well-being I am committed? Is my partner’s happiness genuinely important to me?” Try this one: “Would I be willing to do what is best for my partner, even if that causes me pain or discomfort?” You will not have clarity about the relationship until you can do so. It is that simple. Until that time you are looking at your partner as an object to meet your needs or not, rather than as a separate person whose happiness is genuinely important to you. You are being selfish rather than loving. Until you can see your partner as a separate and worthy person, the situation will be hopelessly muddy. When you can step back and allow your partner’s happiness to be truly important to you, you will be amazed at the resulting clarity. Try this one and let me know what you find! copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved HAVE A WONDERFULLY SHALLOW RELATIONSHIP Why would you want a wonderfully shallow relationship? Here’s why: Expecting too much from relationships is a major reason for their eventual failure. Consciously or not, we want our partner to be the parent our parents never were. We want our partner to make us feel safe, secure, and unconditionally loved. We expect our partner to provide the majority of our unmet needs. We want our relationship to heal our wounds. Meanwhile our partner is making equally strong demands on us. Two partially filled glasses each demanding that the other fill them up. Is it any wonder that relationships fail under the weight of such expectations? We want to feel warm and secure in our relationship, a safe haven from the cold outside world. Yet, after a while, many of us feel more stifled in our relationships than elsewhere in our lives. We might find that we like ourselves less as well. Why? Because the relationship cannot meet the unrealistic expectations we bring to it. How do you have a wonderfully shallow relationship? Loosen your expectations. Recognize that insecurity, fear, and unworthiness are part of the human condition. You came to the relationship with those issues. Relax about them and take them lightly. Let your partner be just who he or she is, with all his or her gifts and failings. Look at your partner through open, curious, and respectful eyes, rather than through the filters of a person who needs something in order to feel whole. As you relax your expectations, and take responsibility for your own patterns, you’ll probably be surprised at how many things you find yourself liking about your partner. When you do, make sure you acknowledge to your partner the gifts that you are seeing. Have an open discussion with your partner about this topic. What expectations are reasonable? What expectations are too much? When we experience excessive expectations and demands we tend to become resentment and harden on the inside, whether we’re conscious of that or not. Relaxing your expectations is a powerful way to have more intimacy and generosity in your relationship. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved HOW TO BE WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE The key word here is “be.” The only way to BE with someone you love is to be present, relaxed and vulnerable, resting in your heart. How does one allow that? Consider this radical suggestion: Begin by not trusting any of your ideas of what a relationship is, what a husband or wife or partner or lover is. You’ve been carrying around ideas placed in your head by your family, by society, and by your personality’s particular filters of perception. But nothing carried in the head is true – it’s at best a memory of something that once seemed to have some truth in it. Truth can only be discovered, moment by moment, when we’re present and resting in our hearts. I know this may sound way far out to some of you if you’re processing these words through your minds – but I also know that if you allow these words into your heart, your heart will gently let you know that they’re accurate. So start by taking your hands off the relationship. Stop trying to mold it based on your ideas. Consider the possibility that none of your ideas are true. Be in love with not knowing what a wife, husband, partner, lover, or relationship is. Consider that the relationship knows how to live and express itself on its own if you’ll just get out of the way. Most people are so frustrated in their relationships. They wanted peace, joy, and fulfillment – they wanted the relationship to be a source of nectar – but they instead experience the tension of two personalities trying to get their needs met through each other. Your ideas haven’t worked so far (and it’s not just because your partner won’t agree that you’re right!) Consider the possibility that if you’ll just let go of your ideas and concepts, if you’ll gently embrace the notion that you have no idea how to have a successful relationship, then you’ll finally have what you always longed for. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved HUMOR An essential determinant of our overall psychological health is our ability to laugh, to take things lightly, and to maintain a healthy perspective. Those who are able to maintain a child-like innocence and playfulness are truly blessed. When we do not take ourselves or our life situations too seriously, we are able to respond effectively without being attached to the outcomes. A joyful, happy attitude towards life is something to be cherished. Genuine, healthy humor promotes intimacy and vulnerability. Overly serious people are more prone to physical ailments. They take things too personally and derive little enjoyment in life. Humor is a most beautiful thing. Then what is the problem? The problem is that much humor is not “clean.” It is often at the expense of someone else. Unhealthy humor can be anger in disguise. It can be a way to assert power, control, and dominance. It can be a way to push someone away without having to be vulnerable. It can be a way to deliver messages without recourse. Some people will tell you that the best humor is self-deprecating, but there are pitfalls there as well. I sometimes watch people support their own negative self-image by allowing themselves to be the butt of the joke. “Humor” that takes the form of sarcasm, put downs, belittling, mimicking, ridicule, making fun is almost NEVER healthy. Do you want to argue that your good-natured put-downs are just your way of being affectionate? Why do you have to hide your caring behind the shield of put-downs? What would it be like for you to take the risk of letting people know that they are important to you, without protecting yourself? Sarcasm is destructive. Do you make fun of some of your partner’s traits or quirks? Do you make jokes about his or her cleanliness, sense of direction, cooking skills, etc.? Ask yourself why. Is it harmless? People do not like to admit how they feel when others poke fun at them, yet they have difficulty responding because the message is delivered with a smile. Is it OK as long as your partner laughs with you? Not necessarily. Your partner may be laughing externally, because it is hard to directly confront the barbs hidden in humor, but secretly may be wounded; or your partner may have gone through life accepting put-downs, and has learned that it is better to just go along with it. Learn the difference between LAUGHING AT and LAUGHING WITH. How can you tell when humor is healthy? It’s healthy if it promotes intimacy. It’s healthy if it increases your sense of connectedness, appreciation and respect for all human beings. It’s healthy if it feels good in your heart. It’s healthy if it uplifts rather than puts down. Have a discussion with your partner of how humor is used in your relationship. Be willing to see whether it covers up some real issues, and find ways to address those in an open and healthy way. Be willing to let each other know what kind of humor adds to your life, and what kind of humor you would like to have stop. Be willing to let each other know about your sensitivities. Then watch yourself over the next week or so, at home, at work, with friends and family. Stay aware. Share your discoveries with your partner. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP HOLY OR HOLE-Y? You have a hole-y relationship if:
How do you turn a hole-y relationship into a holy one?
copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved JEALOUSY AND POSSESSIVENESS We consistently lie to ourselves about jealousy and possessiveness. How many of us say, to ourselves or to others, “I’m jealous because I love him/her so much,” or “Of course I’m possessive. Can’t you see how much I care?” There is absolutely no connection between love and jealousy or possessiveness. None. Zippo. Zilch. Nada. Love is open and soft, genuinely wanting the best for the other even if that makes us uncomfortable. Love has no “what about me?” agenda. Jealousy and possessiveness, on the other hand, are all about “me.” We lie to ourselves in order to rationalize our jealousy and possessiveness, to make them OK. We raise them up as something to be admired. What if we admitted to ourselves that our jealousy and possessiveness have nothing to do with love? Jealousy flows from insecurity, not from love. Possessiveness is a desire to control our partner in order to avoid facing our own vulnerability. Why are we especially jealous and possessive in our primary relationships, if it is not about love? In moments of deep awareness, most of us have had glimpses of the truth that our happiness is not dependent on our lives being arranged in a particular way. We realize that inner peace results from a deep letting go of attachments, rather than from our attempts to control our internal and external worlds. However, we generally have the most difficult time maintaining this awareness in our primary relationships. We fall into patterns of believing that our happiness is dependent on our partner being a certain way, and from this distorted seed arises jealousy and possessiveness. We all grow up with feelings of unworthiness. It is part of the human condition. It is thus natural to feel jealous and possessive at times. There is nothing unhealthy about this – IF we can keep those feelings in perspective, know the truth about them, not glorify them, and instead take them lightly, relax and accept them, and most importantly not act from them. What does it mean to not act from them? It means to not take them seriously, and thus to not indulge in any internal and external action that is based on seeing them as “real” or “valid.” It means experiencing them fully without believing that they are deeply significant. Recognize that you will naturally experience jealousy and possessiveness less and less as inner peace deepens. Also recognize that inner peace deepens as you take such feelings more lightly. Does this mean that you should feel fine about your partner having an affair or not wanting to spend any time with you? Does it mean you should passively accept such things? Of course not. Those are symptoms of unhealthy relationships, and they need to be addressed. For example, you have reason to be concerned if your partner is closer to his or her ex-partner than to you. However, these issues can be addressed without having to base our objections on jealousy or possessiveness. Talk with your partner about how jealousy and possessiveness play out in your relationship. See if they lead you to try to control each other in some way. When we do so, we tend to build up conscious or unconscious resentment that then cover love. We lose touch with the sweetness that brought us together. Do not let that happen. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved KEEPING SCORE Do you keep track of who does what for whom? Do you feel like it’s unfair if you made breakfast when your partner was in a rush, but your partner didn’t reciprocate in a similar situation? If so, then your act wasn’t a clean “gift” to begin with. In some way you were “giving” in order to “get” later on. When something is done purely, nothing is expected back in return. When something is expected back, we are engaged in an egoic pattern that is really self-centered. Then we wonder why our partners aren’t gushing over us in gratitude for what we did. On some level, they feel that there are strings attached. Let go of your scorecard. If you want to be sweet, kind, or helpful to your partner, let go of any need for them to respond in any particular way. Don’t even allow yourself to indulge in the internal demand for them to be grateful. Enjoy the sense of giving without expectations, without taking. Also make sure it is something your partner really wants. Ask if you’re not sure. If you do this correctly, you will probably begin to notice both inner drives existing at the same time. There will be some purity of intention, a love of giving, along with some desire to get something back. Don’t worry, this is natural. Simply love that which was loving and unselfish in you, while ignoring the selfish voice. Don’t beat yourself up for that. Your inner landscape is like a garden. Water the flowers and starve the weeds, and it will become increasingly beautiful. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved LESS NOT MORE “Less, not more.” This is truly the secret to a successful relationship. It’s so powerful that I can’t do it justice here. All I can do is give you a taste. In RelationShifts I’ve often talked about the frustrations of a relationship between egos, and the sweet nectar that arises in a relationship of BEING. Egos believe that they would be happy and fulfilled if they just had more of something. There are different flavors of this “more” – more power and control, more comfort, living in a more perfect world, more appreciation or approval, more success, more of a sense of self, more knowledge, more security, more fun, more friends, better sex, more money, better health. The problem is that this search for “more” hasn’t worked. Either we’re unhappy because we haven’t gotten what we’ve told ourselves we need, or else we’re protecting whatever it is we’ve gotten for fear of losing it. On a personality/ego level we’re engaged in a hopeless merry-go-round where the brass rings are always out of reach. Then we get into relationships, two needy people trying to suck fulfillment from each other, and it’s a mess. The ego always wants more. That’s your key to whether you’re being egoic – if you want more, then it’s the ego, and you’re becoming increasingly hopeless. Then we try to “fix” our personalities. We take on new versions of “more” – “I want to be more open, more loving, more compassionate.” Yet these aren’t things we can “do.” When we try to be more open, loving, or compassionate the best we can do is to generate an egoic imitation of the real thing. We can’t fix ourselves. The only power we have is the power to let go, to surrender, to open and soften rather than closing and hardening. The power to have LESS. You can’t make yourself MORE loving. You CAN be LESS needy by gently being aware and accepting of your neediness, without judgment, which then makes room for more love to naturally arise from within you. You can’t DO intimacy, but you CAN begin to notice the barriers between you and intimacy, and respond to them with tenderness and acceptance, which allows a sweet vulnerability and openness to emerge. The less you want from your relationships, while staying honest and vulnerable, the more they’ll have the chance to blossom on their own. Let “LESS, NOT MORE” be a seed that’s gently placed within your heart. Allow it to sprout. You’ll be amazed at the beautiful flowers that arise from within. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved LETTING GO OF GRIEVANCES How do you know when you are holding onto a grievance? When we hold onto grievances they nag at us. We replay them in our minds, either as they occurred or as we wish they had occurred. We talk to our friends about them. We use them as clubs to attack the person we see as responsible for the grievance, and we carry those clubs around waiting for moments when it seems appropriate to pull them back out. What are you willing to let go of to have a healthier, freer relationship? Try this one. Sit down and make a list of all of your grievances regarding your partner. Take your time. Include everything that you have held onto (for some of us this can be a long list!). It includes the smaller grievances, like forgetting an anniversary or throwing away something that you wanted to keep. The medium grievances, like “forcing” you to live in a place you would rather not live or not liking one of your relatives. The major grievances, even including an affair or a bout with addiction. Now ask yourself why you are still hanging onto these things. Why do you continue to poison yourself? When asked, some people say that they don’t want to let their partner “off the hook” for their alleged misdeeds. Does it really help to keep holding them? It hardens your heart and makes you less available to the other. Rather than using these grievances as an excuse for being less intimate, you could at least be honest about not wanting to be close to your partner, without needing the bag of grievances as an excuse for doing so. If you’ve decided that you suffered a grievance from which you cannot recover, then do both of you a favor and end the relationship. If there was wisdom to learn from the grievance (e.g. not wanting to be with a partner in active addiction, or not being OK with your partner having another affair) then you can retain the wisdom without continuing to punish yourself or your partner. It’s OK to relax with the knowing that there you have some limits, without needing to hold onto anger or blame to do so. If there are clear limits, be sure to communicate them to your partner and be willing to act on them. If you still want to have a healthier relationship, I suggest a “letting go” ritual. You can do this together or separately. Even if only one of you does it, this can transform your relationship. Here is one way to do it. Write down each alleged offense on a piece of paper. Choose a safe way to play with fire (e.g. sit in front of a fireplace or a ceramic bowl). Now take these pieces of paper, one at a time. Look at each one. Read it. Notice the feelings associated with it. Accept that it happened. Affirm your willingness to let go of it – not as a favor to your partner, but as a favor to you and to your relationship. Affirm that you will never, ever bring it up again. Affirm that you will not internally indulge in it again. Then set it aflame and watch it burn, letting the hardness melt as you do so, releasing your heart from bondage. Continue to do so with each grievance. Sit quietly afterwards, and be aware of what a profound gift you have just given yourself and the relationship. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved MAKE BLAMING OFF LIMITS Would you like to make a radical relation-shift? Are you ready to make a quantum leap in the health, vibrancy, openness, and well-being of your relationship? This one is really, really, really big, and agonizingly simple. MAKE BLAMING OFF LIMITS. Absolutely off limits. If I could only give one piece of advice to a couple, it would probably be this one. How does one make blaming off limits? If anything goes wrong, if there are any problems, that is a “result.” Something happened, and you likely have some feelings about that. What you do is ask yourself, with curiosity, “What might this result have to do with me?” Let’s talk about what that means. First, the curiosity part – it means that rather than deciding that someone is to blame, and it’s either you or your partner, you will instead look at the situation with lightness of spirit and openness of heart and mind. Relax. Second, this doesn’t mean “How can I take responsibility going forward?” You take a look backwards before moving forward. You ask yourself what you might have done, through action or non-action, to contribute to the result. Thirdly, and most importantly, you do not ask yourself this question, come to a conclusion, and then turn the searchlight from yourself to your partner: ”OK, I see that I’ve contributed in some way to the result, so now the rest of the blame is yours!” No, you stay with a curious openness to your own responsibility for the result. You stay at home. It’s very powerful if even one partner does this, and it’s relationship transforming if you both do it. Let’s consider an example. Perhaps I’m infuriated because my partner is late, AGAIN, and I absolutely HATE waiting and being late. So I calm down enough to restrain my impulse to tell her one more time how upset I am that she’s late, although the words are at the tip of my tongue and absolutely begging to be spoken in a stern and righteous manner. I look at the result: I’m sitting in the car, we’re 15 minutes late, and I’m fuming. I calm down, take a few deep breaths, and ask myself with curiosity, WHAT MIGHT THIS RESULT HAVE TO DO WITH ME? I might notice that I’m taking this very personally, as if her being late is a reflection of not loving or respecting me, rather than being a reflection of her difficulties with time management . I see that she is not responsible for the strength of my emotional reaction. Further, since punctuality seems more important to me than to her, I might ask myself whether I’m being supportive and attentive to the various things that seem much more important to her than to me (e.g. keeping the bathroom sink spotless, or talking about how the relationship is going). I might review what happened before I ended up sitting here in the car with smoke coming out of my ears – Did I make it clear that it was important to me to be on time? More importantly, did I ask if she agreed? Did I ask if there was anything I could do to assist her in getting out on time? Now that I’ve calmed down and taken a healthy look at my responsibility for the result, I might share those insights with my partner. What if my partner responds, “Yes, you’re right, you’ve really been a jerk!” Do I now get to blame her for blaming me? No, I simply have another result. I have been blamed, and I’m feeling upset or hurt. OK, I ask myself, what might THAT result have to do with me? What if both of you took this approach, and then communicated with each other about what you had discovered regarding your personal responsibility for the situation? What if you stopped pointing fingers at each other? What if you asked each other for help in understanding your responsibility? Can you imagine how much tension would be lifted? Try it and see. It takes a lot of awareness, because the habitual tendencies to blame are so strong. After seeing the results, however, you will find that the resulting increase in tenderness, intimacy, and vulnerability, along with the decrease in wounding and counterattacking, is well worth it! copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved NEEDS Much popular psychology will tell you that to improve your relationship it is important to identify your needs and then to meet them in healthy ways. You are told to meet them yourself, as much as possible, instead of demanding that others meet them. You are also told to communicate them to your partner in such a way that your needs get met without your partner feeling resentful, manipulated, inadequate, etc. However, which of your needs are truly needs? What if you don’t really need what you tell yourself you need? What would it be like to have a relationship that wasn’t based on needs getting met? What we tell ourselves we “need” is often based on an untrue perception of who we are. These needs are based on the belief that we are incomplete, and that therefore in order to be happy we NEED something from the outside. This may be approval, acceptance, excitement, power, respect, being “right,” security, etc. On some level, though, we know that there is already a place inside where we can rest our weary heads and be at peace, no matter what is happening inside or outside us. We know that we are already complete and that we are selling ourselves out by buying into our “needs” as real. What happens when we believe that our “needs” are real? Well, we then act to get these needs met. If they then don’t get met, our negative core feelings get touched and reinforced and we’re painfully more aware of our “incompleteness.” However, even if they ARE met we still reinforce our sense of being incomplete, because it was the assumption of incompleteness that pushed us into action. After all, who but an incomplete person would need to look outside himself or herself for completion? That’s why the sense of relative peace and fulfillment doesn’t last long before we need another “fix.” If I perceive myself as incomplete, then it’s as if I was pouring water into a cup with no bottom. The approval, respect, appreciation, etc. doesn’t “stick.” Nothing is healed at a deep level. The “completion through needs” process is hopeless. It’s worse than hopeless, because it deepens our belief in the FALSE SELF (unworthy, unlovable, incomplete) and pulls us farther and farther from direct knowledge of the REAL SELF (already fulfilled and at peace). What’s the way out? Be aware of something that you tell yourself you need. Try this right now. Then ask yourself WHY do I need this? Notice what arises within you. Drop beneath the thoughts. Don’t try to change anything. Just stay gently present. If you soften on the inside, allowing a tender and gentle response in your heart, something will start to dissolve. You may even begin to feel some of those negative “core feelings,” and they can be uncomfortable, but if you stay soft and open they will gradually release their power over you. The knot begins to unravel. Something lets go. You’re a little more free. A certain nectar gets released. That’s a touch of your REAL SELF. Try this and see. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved NEUROSIS What is neurosis? There are so many definitions. Here’s a simple and radical one: Neurosis is the belief that anything on the outside will make us happy. When we believe something outside of us will make us happy, one of two things will happen. First, we may not get what we tell ourselves we want, and we suffer. Second, we may get what we tell ourselves we want, then we worry about losing it, and we suffer. Haven’t you noticed that no matter how much external respect, appreciation, acknowledgment, etc. we get, it’s never enough? How long does the good feeling last before we need another “fix”? Haven’t you noticed that no matter how successful we are, we have to keep proving ourselves, again and again? Looking for happiness outside of us is a prescription for suffering. So how does that play out in our relationships? What do we demand from our partners, and then suffer when we do not get as much of it as we would like? Are we willing to take responsibility for getting our own needs met? There is a trick to doing this, and that is to see how shallow our needs really are. When we take ourselves lightly, relax inside, and let go of our frantic need to have the world be a certain way, we can then settle into the inner peace that was always present, underneath our agitated doingness. Sit down and write a list of all the “needs” you have in your relationship that involve your partner. What do you tell yourself that your partner must do, or not do, for you to be happy? Does it work? When your partner responds in the “right” way, do you experience a deep lasting happiness and inner peace? If not, are you willing to seek the true source of happiness and inner peace? Each time we can relax about one of those “needs” we became freer. Excessive demands and expectations reduce intimacy because they lead to built up resentment for both partners, whether consciously or not. Have a light, open discussion with your partner about this topic. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved OLD VS. NEW What’s the secret to having a wonderful, intimate relationship? Keep it new. For many of us, there’s very little that’s new in our relationships after a while. Most of us can predict what our partners will do and say, what will upset them and what they’ll joke about, how they’ll respond to us, even what words they’ll use. They have the same familiarity with us. We laugh about this kind of familiarity, and chalk it up to intimacy, that we’ve grown to know each other so well. But it’s not a sign of intimacy. It’s a sign of staleness. The relationship has gotten old. We get into routines. We make love the same way. We use words of endearment for each other than have lost their vibrancy. We have habitual interactions (“Have a good day, dear!” “You too, darling!”) that we’re not truly present for. We have the same tired arguments, time after time, like watching reruns of a bad movie. The old has replaced the new. Remember what it was like when you first met? When there was a vibrancy and a richness to your interactions? A tingling real-ness? That was new. How do you reclaim newness? Would you like to have your relationship be vibrantly alive? Stay present in all of your interactions. Be willing to be honest and vulnerable with yourself and with your partner. Let go of trying to change your partner, once and for all. Stop taking your needs so seriously. Most importantly, in each moment discard your habitual internal and external responses, and wait for a more authentic response to emerge. Don’t force it. Wait for something new. Be open to truly surprising yourself. Let a gentle and open heart lead the way, and you’ll have an ever-new relationship. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved RELATIONSHIP STRUCTURES Most people spend more time and energy on preventive maintenance for their cars than for their relationships. Is that true of you? Have a discussion with your partner about what sort of structures you could put into place to either turn your relationship around (if it’s not going the way you want it to), or to add more momentum in an already positive direction. Here are some examples: 1) Have a date at least once a week. Learn more about each other. Ask
open-ended questions. Be curious to discover something totally new about
your partner.
There are any number of structures that can support your relationship.
Here are some ground rules:
copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved You can use your relationship as a vehicle for setting yourself free. No, I don’t mean leaving your relationship. I mean using being in the relationship as a way to set you free from limiting psychological patterns. Relationships are a perfect context to either deepen or free ourselves from neurosis. Here’s how. Have you ever heard the expression, “He/she pushes my buttons”? Do you know what that means? Our “buttons” or “triggers” are extreme internal responses we have to external situations. We all have different “buttons.” Some people aren’t very concerned about getting approval while others are desperate for it. Some people need to be “right” while others would rather be comfortable. Some people crave control while others would rather be safe. Some people relax about time commitments, others get very upset when they are late, or when others make them late. Some people hear critical comments and take them in stride, while others feel wounded all day or spend the rest of the day ruminating. Why do our relationship partners often push our buttons more than anyone else? A partner can often send us into orbit with a particular look or a certain tone of voice. Word often don’t even need to be spoken! Partially it’s based on how much time we spend with them – the more time, the more opportunities to push buttons. Partially it’s a reflection of expecting too much from our partners. We expect them to be the perfect parents we never had, to meet our needs, to relieve our deep beliefs that we’re not worthy or lovable, and thus we are triggered in a major way when they don’t. For example, if a friend is late it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as when my partner is late. We take our partners’ “transgressions” much more PERSONALLY, hence more button pushing. Finally, since we expect too much from our partners and are frequently disappointed, there is often a level of subtle anger in relationships that we relieve by pushing our partners’ buttons back (whether intentionally or not). OK, what’s the way out? It’s very simple to describe. Each time a button is pushed, we have two choices. We can protect ourselves from feeling the effects of that button being pushed, or we can fully allow ourselves to feel the effects. When we protect ourselves, the button becomes more deeply imbedded. When we allow ourselves to feel the effects, we begin to free ourselves. Protecting ourselves takes the form of becoming internally tense and reacting. Reacting can be external (yelling, screaming), internally physical (body tension, headache), internally mental (mind agitated and racing, perhaps building the case against the other person, or spinning in some other way), or internally indulging in emotion. Again, when we become internally tense we deepen the button, and will be more reactive the next time it appears. Allowing ourselves to feel the effects requires an inner softening, a simple vulnerability, accompanied by the knowledge that we really are over-reacting. We have to be willing to suspend our belief that we are absolutely “right.” We have to be willing to let go of blaming the other person, and recognize that this is just our own stuff that is getting triggered. We can remind ourselves that not everyone reacts the way that we do. This does not mean that we have to like what just happened – only that we know that our reaction is extremely strong, and causing us (and usually others) unnecessary suffering. Unless we do so, we will never set ourselves free. First be OK about your reactivity. Whatever you’re experiencing is OK. Be gentle with yourself. Then allow the impact of that button-pushing to resonate within you at deeper and deeper levels. Welcome this opportunity to become a little more free. Do not believe your anger – instead allow yourself to experience what is under the anger (hurt, sadness, fear). Relax with that. Continue to open and soften inside. Stay internally vulnerable. If you truly allow this to gently unfold, you may experience a precious inner nectar that is beyond description. If you are tired of needless suffering, try this! copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved STOP TAKING YOUR PARTNER’S BEHAVIOR SO PERSONALLY We tend to take our partner’s behavior towards us very personally. We take offense at tones of voices, patterns of communication, punctuality habits, cleanliness habits, etc. etc. Ask yourself a question: If your partner was with someone else, instead of with you, do you really think he or she would be acting very differently? If you can step back and see that your partner would be acting very similarly with another partner, why on earth are you taking his or her behavior so personally? Do you think your partner owes it to you to change who he or she is for your benefit? Do you have any perspective on how difficult it is to change personality characteristics? Think of your own habits, patterns etc. – the ones that really bother your partner. Are they really aimed personally at your partner, or are they simply part of the current package called “you,” a product of your personality and upbringing and other life experiences? Do you sometimes make internal and/or external commitments to change something for the sake of your partner (communicate more, clean better, be more punctual, be more forgiving, be more aware of their needs, etc.) but then you “slip”? Was it always personal, or do you just find that it is difficult to change? Relax the drama. Stop believing that if your partner really loved you he or she would change all of his or her behaviors to make you happy. It is simplistic and unrealistic. Enjoy each other, including those habits and patterns. Laugh instead of getting angry, frustrated, or hurt. Do yourself, your partner, and your relationship a favor. Have a playful discussion about the things you take personally. Ask for help in remembering this. Choose a lighthearted signal, an action of a word, that your partner can use when perceiving you taking things too personally. Set yourself free. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved TALK TO THE GREATEST EXPERT ON YOU AND YOUR BEHAVIOR As an executive coach in corporations, I know that one of the fastest ways to help set the agenda for my client is to ask his or her spouse what two or three things the executive most needs to work on. Would you like to try a fascinating experiment? Sit down with your partner and ask your partner to tell you about yourself. What are my strengths? What are my challenges? What are my blind spots? What do I communicate non-verbally? What do I most need to learn? Tell your partner that you are asking them for their help. You will not argue. YOU WILL NOT ARGUE. You only have two options in this communications process: you can repeat back what you have heard to make sure that you heard it correctly, and you can ask clarifying questions. What are clarifying questions? They are sincere, open expressions of curiosity. “Can you give me some examples?” is a clarifying question. “Can you tell me a little more about that?” is another one. Stay vulnerable, open, and curious. Make sure that you do not distort this exercise by defending yourself, arguing, or attacking in the guise of asking clarifying questions. It is OK to ask, “In what ways do you see me as messy?” It is NOT OK to ask, “How can you possibly call me messy when you haven’t picked up your underwear for weeks?!” Also, to keep it clean, do not demand equal time in telling your partner about them. This is a gift you are receiving from your partner. Be grateful for his or her willingness to be open and honest. Express that appreciation. Spend some time afterwards writing down what you learned, and how you will respond to what you learned. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved THAT MOMENT OF AUTHENTICITY When planning our marriage ceremony, Sandra and I decided to NOT plan what we would say ahead of time, including our vows to each other. We knew that truth is something that lives, moment to moment. We felt that having written vows would lead us to speak from our heads and from memory, rather than from our hearts. There was a lot of anxiety on the morning of our wedding. What if we blanked out and had nothing to say? What if we closed up inside, with everyone watching us? The urge came to write down a few words, just in case our minds turned to mush, but we resisted it, choosing to trust our hearts instead of the fear in our minds. That choice replays itself in EVERY interaction we have. We tend to respond to life habitually, automatically. We use the same words. We respond without being authentically present. Our partner says, “I love you” and we pull out one of our usual responses: “I love you too.” What if we instead allow our partner’s words to sink in, PAUSE, and allow a vulnerable and honest response to emerge? It’s scary. What if, in that moment, we’re not feeling loving? What if we’re closed up inside? What if it’s uncomfortable to be that vulnerable or that truthful? What if, in that silence, we’re aware of some way in which we’re not being honest with our partner? If we’re honest, we KNOW when we’re responding habitually and when we’re responding freshly and newly. Consider the possibility of allowing authenticity in each moment. Consider what gets in the way of that. Be willing to recognize when you’re present and when you’re not. I know of nothing that keeps a relationship truly alive more than the willingness to be vulnerably authentic in each moment. Are you wondering how the wedding turned out? Our vows to each other were absolutely exquisite, so much beyond anything we could have planned for. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved THE EYES OF NEWNESS What do you see when you look at your partner? How present are you? To what extent are you seeing your partner freshly, in this moment? It’s a rare being that sees through the eyes of newness. One reason is because we’re not particularly present, in general. We sort of sleep walk through our lives, choosing to be habitual rather than vulnerable. Another reason is that we carry ideas and concepts about the significant people in our lives, and those ideas and concepts become filters through which we see them. The next time you look at your partner, first get quiet inside. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and present. Allow all ideas and concepts about your partner to drop away. Don’t DO anything. Wait for an authentic response to emerge from within you. See your partner freshly, in that moment. Be willing to continually see your partner as if it was the first time, every time. What will emerge will be a most precious intimacy. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved THE ILLUSION OF THE DISTANCER AND THE PURSUER The best insights are like wakeup calls. They shake our worldview and lead us to re-examine ourselves and our relationships in a new and fresh light. A veil lifts that we hadn’t even known was there. People have often told me that the following insight was powerfully impactful in their lives. In most relationships there is a designated Distancer and a designated Pursuer. The Distancer is seen as the one who resists intimacy. The Distancer maintains a certain space, and moves away when the other gets too close. Distancers may feel annoyed or irritated regarding the demands made by their partners. The Pursuer is seen as the one who seeks more intimacy. The Pursuer tries to close the gap when the other moves too far away. Pursuers may complain to their friends and/or their partners about the distancing. They want more time together. They want to “connect” more. Pursuers usually have Pursuer friends who go into agreement with them: “Yes, I understand, I have the same problem with my partner.” Thus, in most relationships there is one partner who seems to want more closeness, and one partner who seems to want less. The apparent difference can be slight (one wants a little more, one wants a little less) or huge (such that it leads to considerable conflict). Perhaps in your relationship you identify with one role or the other. Consider a deeper truth: it’s all an illusion. The two of you most likely have EXACTLY the same tolerance for intimacy. It just seems that there is a Distancer and a Pursuer. It’s an elaborate COOPERATIVE dance. Imagine two dancers on a dance floor, one taking the part of the one who moves forward while the other takes the part of moving back. Sometimes they reverse roles. The important awareness is that while they move around on the dance floor, the actual distance between them stays relatively constant. It shifts within a limited range – the range of actual tolerance for intimacy. There are a host of factors that determine tolerance for intimacy including childhood factors, experience in previous relationships, and willingness to be vulnerable. It’s not “better” to have a higher tolerance. Your tolerance is what it is. It’s like a muscle – it can only stretch as far as it can stretch now. What I am suggesting is that the two partners have the same willingness, and that they are cooperating in keeping themselves at a comfortable level of intimacy. It only becomes a problem if, while playing out their roles, they have forgotten that they are each getting exactly what they really want. What I’ve learned, over and over and over, is that when people get together in a relationship there aren’t any mistakes. They are perfectly matched for each other. In all of my work with relationships, I have NEVER seen a counterexample to this. NEVER. If Pursuers were actually ready for more intimacy, wouldn’t they have chosen someone who was equally ready? If Distancers did not want to be pursued, why didn’t they choose someone just like them? Do you get it? It is an elaborate illusion that stops them from taking responsibility for what they actually want, what they have actually chosen. Are you still doubtful? The truth of this illusion often reveals itself in two ways. One is when the Pursuer gets tired of pursuing and pulls back. What do you think usually happens? The Distancer starts moving towards the Pursuer, to regain the status quo. The second is when the Distancer reverses directions and starts to move towards the Pursuer. What do you think happens there? The Pursuer often gets cold feet, discovers the fear s/he had been able to hide through the illusion of pursuing, and starts to pull back, either subtly or overtly. What is the moral of the story? It is wonderful. There are no victims. I repeat: there are no victims. You partner is not doing anything to you. You are working together in perfect harmony to have exactly the space between you that you both have chosen. It’s fine if you want to change that. Simply take responsibility, stop blaming each other, make a different choice, and explore whatever needs to be explored in order to be more available to each other. Are there exceptions to this rule of perfect balance? Yes, they occur when there have been major shifts since you got together, e.g. one partner became significantly involved in personal growth and is now significantly more open and available, or one partner suffered major traumatic loss and closed up as a result. In those situations, you were perfectly matched initially but then circumstances changed. However, my experience is that this rule still applies to the vast majority of the couples that I see. Have a discussion with your partner about this dynamic. Don’t take my word for it, but be open to seeing it. What would be the implications? copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved TRUE LOVE When we talk about “true love,” there’s the real thing and then there’s the egoic imitation of the real thing. The real thing flows like a natural fountain, requiring nothing in return. Nothing. It is a natural byproduct of a true way of Being, opening and softening to everything that we experience internally and externally. What are the signs of the egoic imitation of true love?
If you can be aware of the extent to which your love is not “true,” and have a tender and open response to that awareness, a warm OK-ness, without judgment, you might discover that the real thing was there all the time, hidden by its imitator. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved VULNERABILITY Vulnerability is essential to a healthy relationship. There are two kinds of vulnerability, however, and only one of them is truly healthy. Many people associate vulnerability with weakness, fear of being hurt, and helplessness. It’s a very tentative and conditional kind of openness – “I’ll open a little bit, put my toe in the water, and keep vigilant to make sure you won’t hurt me. If I see any signs of danger, or if I have too much inner distress, I’ll immediately close down.” This is egoic vulnerability. This kind of vulnerability is better than staying closed and hard, but it has significant limitations. We all have feelings of being inadequate, unworthy, and unlovable. This doesn’t mean we really ARE that way – just that we all have those feelings, to one degree or another. Then we acquire so many patterns that are designed to protect us from those feelings. We instinctively are always on the defensive, ready to protect our fragile egos from attack. Yet our deepest patterns inevitably get touched when we truly open to another person. One cannot actively participate in an intimate relationship without the willingness to be quite uncomfortable at times, the willingness to stay “exposed” even when our patterns are loudly demanding that we close down. The second kind is vulnerability of Being. It’s the willingness to have vulnerability as a way of life. A choice to stay soft and open to everything that occurs, unconditionally – not because it will get us something, not because it’s the “safe” thing to do, but rather because at the deepest levels we know that it’s the TRUE way of being. We all know, consciously or not, that who we really are is different from this fragile ego we spend most of our time protecting. We know that it’s possible to live life being warmly OK with everything, just as it is, and that includes a willingness to experience whatever arises within us and outside of us. We know that a true way of being is to allow a tender openness, and to stay open even when our egoic inner voices are demanding that we close down. Babies have this vulnerability of Being. Look into their eyes. See their soft response to everything that occurs. Notice how they feel emotions strongly, without closing down, and how because of this openness they quickly move on to the next emotional moment. It’s a simple innocence that’s available to all of us. A truly wonderful and intimate relationship requires this second kind of vulnerability. How do you cultivate it? Always take the time to listen to the quietest and deepest voice within you – not the loud screaming voices of your ego, but the softer and gentler voice of your true self. If you do, this kind of vulnerability will come more and more effortlessly. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved WHY I GOT MARRIED This newsletter will be a little different – it’s about my marriage with Sandra on October 15th, 1999. People often wonder about the choice to be married – “Should I get married?” “How do I know if this is the right person?” “Should I have gotten married to this person?” “Should I stay married to this person?” Given that I’ve been writing a relationship column, it seemed useful to let you know my reasons for getting married after being together for several years: 1) I didn’t get married to change anything. I got married because we already WERE married. The bond between us was strong and clear. I got married to celebrate what already was. People get in trouble when they get married hoping that the act of getting married will get them somewhere, will change the relationship, will make things better, will make them argue less, etc. 2) I didn’t get married to Sandra because our personalities fit together perfectly, because we enjoy doing the same things, or because it’s always smooth between us. Relationships unerringly show us our issues, all the places we’re sensitive or stuck. We do not really have a choice about that. We DO have a choice how we respond to that – whether we close and harden inside, defend ourselves, protect ourselves, etc. – or whether we free ourselves by choosing to be vulnerable and open no matter what. I knew that I wanted to get married because, when my heart is open and my mind is quiet, when I’m most in touch with the truth that the world really doesn’t revolve around me, and when I look at her with eyes of newness, I just KNOW. 3) I got married because I know that the foundation of our relationship is Truth, not personality. I got married because we both know that Truth is deeper than our expectations and judgments. I got married because we both are willing to embrace the uncertainty that comes with letting drop all pictures of what a “husband,” “wife” or “marriage” is supposed to look like. 4) I got married because my heart didn’t give me any choice. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved YOU DON’T OWE ME ANYTHING My partner and I once had a session with an interesting man. After lots of talking, he asked us to look at each other and to say, with sincerity, “You don’t owe me anything.” What a relation-shifting thing to say! Consider the implications. It meant that everything I did, I did freely. I couldn’t say, “I work more hours than you, so you should do more around the house.” Everything that I did was my choice. She didn’t owe me anything in return. By saying, “You don’t owe me anything” I was giving up the “right” to my resentment and expectations. I couldn’t say, “I gave you a neck massage, now how come you won’t give one to me?” I gave the massage as an expression of affection, not as a business deal. It was embarrassing to observe how much of our relationship I related to as if it was a business deal, as if she owed me something for what I did. I saw how my attitude cheapened all that I did. It implied that I was “giving” with the intention to receive, rather than having true generosity of spirit. How many of us act as if the other is acquiring a debt when we do something nice for them? Then we wonder why they do not seem so eager to accept our “gifts”! After a while they can feel the strings attached. Have a discussion with your partner about this. Try going a week with the conscious intention to only do what you want to do, and the realization that your partner therefore owes you nothing. We are so afraid that no one will take care of us unless they owe it to us. Take the chance. Cut the strings. Give generously, not as a business deal. See how it feels. See how you feel about yourself. Catch yourself when you are about to act off resentment because your partner didn’t “balance” your “giving” in some way. Don’t cheapen yourself that way. Take a chance. Your heart and your relationship will be the better for it. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS A TRIAD No, I don’t mean that your partner is secretly having an affair. At least I hope not. What I mean is that there are three separate entities in the relationship – you, your partner, and the relationship. Haven’t you noticed that the relationship after a while takes on a life of its own? It seems to have its own energy, it’s own momentum. You walk in the door and you feel the pull. If you tune in, you’ll find that it has characteristics you can identify. Is it light or heavy? Relaxed or agitated? Comfortable or strained? Open or closed? Do you like how it feels? Consider discussing this with your partner. See what kind of words you each come up with. Take responsibility for what you notice, asking yourself “What does the current state of our relationship have to do with me?” Do NOT ask yourself, “What does it have to do with my partner?” That gets into blame and isn’t productive. However, as an extension of healthy responsibility, also ask yourselves the question: “What does the current state of our relationship have to do with US?” That is, also look at the relationship as something the two of you have built together, which now has a life of its own. What do you value about the relationship – how can you build on that? What would you like to have less of – how can you work together to do that? Be gentle and vulnerable with each other. Allow the conversation to stay light and open, being vigilant to not blame either other, but rather taking collective responsibility. You’ll be glad you did. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT? “Experts” will tell you that it’s very important to identify your wants and your needs, and to make sure that your needs get met. When two people in relationship do this they often find themselves in adversarial positions. For example, one might say, “I need space, time to be alone” while the other says, “I need more time connecting.” Or one might say, “It feels disrespectful to me to be late in meeting our friends, so I need you to be on time” while the other says, “I need more flexibility in my life, I don’t want the clock to control me, I’d rather be late and relaxed than rigidly on time.” They then go about negotiating some sort of compromise, or look for a “win win” solution that meets both needs. Often the result is some level of ongoing tension around that issue. Wouldn’t it make life easier if we realized that most of our wants and needs aren’t our real wants and needs – if we discovered that we only need a few basic things rather than the long lists we often make? Try this. List some want or need you have in your relationship. Then ask yourself WHY do you need that? What deeper result are you looking for through that need? Let each WHY question penetrate all the way down. Keep repeating the process until you come to something that feels core or basic. For example: (1) “I need for us to not have negative cash flow.” (2) “If we don’t have negative cash flow, then we can relax and not worry about the future.” (3) “If we’re relaxed and not worried about the future, then I can be peaceful and happy.” (4) “That’s right, I want to be peaceful and happy.” Once I see that, I can realize that peace and happiness arise from a gentle acceptance of each moment, and that I don’t have to wait for a certain cash flow before I can relax. I can see that each moment presents an opportunity for gentle acceptance, and that it’s only a set of beliefs that tell me that it’s OK to be peaceful and happy in some moments but not in others. At other times the “why chain” will take us to something that reveals a lie: (1) “It’s very important that you see that I’m right on this fact we’ve been arguing about.” (2) “If you admit that I’m right, then I’ll feel validated.” (3) “If I feel validated – wait a minute – what’s true is that I won’t have gotten all that much (since I’ve received lots of validation in the past, and it’s never really gotten me anything of deep value), and I’ll just have created more tension in our relationship. I’ll just drop this ‘need’ to be right.” Play with this, with your partner. Look at the things about which you get so upset, the things that seem REALLY IMPORTANT at the time. Are they truly worth fighting about? Do hanging onto these “wants and needs” improve the quality of your life, or the quality of your relationship? What is it that you REALLY want? As you shed the light of curious relaxed awareness on your “needs,” so much that had seemed so important begins to effortlessly drop away. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved A HEALTHY FOUNDATION I was just talking to a friend about her relationship, and it reminded me of a simple truth. If you want to build a healthy relationship, that building must be on a healthy foundation. What is a healthy foundation? It’s one that’s collaborative. You’re willing to be friends. You’re “in it together.” You truly want the best for each other, rather than just looking out for your own interests. You see your partner as a unique and precious being whose happiness and fulfillment is genuinely important to you. What’s an unhealthy foundation? It’s one that’s adversarial. Your main concern is whether your partner is meeting your needs, and you’re frustrated/angry/judgmental if not. It’s one where the focus is primarily on YOU, rather than on the happiness and fulfillment of both of you. When you have “discussions,” are you sincerely interested in what your partner has to say? Or are you just waiting your turn to talk about what YOU want? This is SO IMPORTANT. If the foundation isn’t healthy, then all the subsequent work you do on the relationship will most likely be futile. So don’t forget the basics. What to do if you notice that your relationships motivations are on the selfish side? First, don’t beat yourself up. Be gentle with yourself. Appreciate your willingness to look at these issues. Then allow a tender vulnerability as you stay with this awareness. That tender vulnerability, on its own, will take you where your heart longs to go. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved SUPPORT GROUPS There are a huge number of support groups that one can join, for issues ranging from codependency to a host of addictions. Many people report that these are of enormous value – yet it’s a double-edged sword. In their impact on relationships, and on intimacy, support groups can go from being medicine to poison. How does this happen? People join these groups and immediately enter a network of support and encouragement. They are often provided with tools to address issues that have had a profoundly negative impact on their lives. They are able to normalize their experience. For example, people who grew up as children of alcoholic parents discover that they have common issues, that these issues are a normal and predictable response to their early environment, and that they are not “crazy” or “defective” for having those issues. The same happens to people who grew up with physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. People who felt alone and alienated find a community that welcomes and accepts them. The nonjudgmental atmosphere and social support provides a protective space in which they can step back and examine their life issues. People in support groups often begin to label themselves by the topic of the group, with statements that begin, “I’m a _______. As mentioned, this sense of “identity” provides comfort and understanding. This only becomes a problem when people use the label as a rationale for why they cannot change. “I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and it was so unpredictable that I never felt it was safe to relax, so you can’t expect me to be intimate.” This can become a limiting belief that impacts the potential for intimacy in relationships. There is only one thing that gets in the way of intimacy – and that is not being willing to be gently honest and present, right now, in this moment. When we’re present and relaxed then we’re vulnerable; and when we’re vulnerable and honest then there’s intimacy. All of us, no matter what our backgrounds, have a choice in each moment of whether we open and soften to whatever experience we are facing, or whether we close up and harden. We all have “reasons” to not be open and vulnerable, but they’re just reasons. Nothing that has ever happened in our past is stopping us from being intimate now. At every moment there’s an equal pull to open and soften, or to close and harden our hearts. We can use support groups to provide encouragement and understanding, and this can be very helpful and nourishing. However, when identification with some label becomes an excuse for why we’re not honest and vulnerable, now, in this moment, it has become a curse instead of a blessing. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved RELAXING THE EGO TO DEATH I love this phrase. It means something so profoundly simple. Our personalities are based on the lie that there’s something essential missing in us, and that we’ll never be happy or fulfilled until we get it. We them adopt a host of different strategies to try to get what we think we need. As we develop self-aware we invariably discover that this sense of inner neediness leads to a tightening inside ourselves, a frantic-ness, an agitated doing-ness. It also destroys our relationships. It turns our partners from precious beings into objects who are either meeting or not meeting our needs. It leads us to manipulate and coerce them into being who we want them to be, while we defend and protect ourselves from their efforts to change us. When we’re soft and tender on the inside, when our hearts are open and our minds are at rest, we find that essential qualities of peace and fulfillment effortlessly bubble up from within us. How to allow that? Just relax the ego to death. Every time we contract on the inside, every time we try to protect ourselves, we get more separated from our essential nature. The more we struggle, the tighter the egoic knot. The more tense we are, the more we feel ourselves as personality, and the more we’re separated from who we really are. In your relationship, begin to notice the times you start to tighten
on the inside, the times when you think that whatever is going on is REALLY
IMPORTANT and needs to be addressed RIGHT AWAY. In those moments, allow
an inner relaxation. Stay gently present. Tune into your heart. Relax your
belly. Find a place inside where you can rest. And then, without making
any effort, you’ll be in the process of relaxing your ego to death.
(I first heard this phrase, “relaxing the ego to death,” from Don Riso
and Russ Hudson)
copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved HELPING EACH OTHER This is an invitation to explore the difference between true, openhearted helping and the egoic, manipulative version of the same. I start with the assumption that vulnerability and inner honesty are the essence of a beautiful relationship. To the extent that I can remain tender, honest and open, in all situations, to that extent I’m an asset in the deepening and unfolding of the highest qualities of my relationship. To the extent that I close inside, to the extent that I avoid the cost of staying vulnerable, to that extent I become a liability instead of an asset. What I’ve discovered is that much of the time that I’m trying to “help” my partner I’m really avoiding my own inner vulnerability. There’s something I would have to face if the situation didn’t change, and I don’t want to face that. Let’s try an example. I’m at a social gathering, and I find that I’m uncomfortable with something my partner is saying or doing. Why might this be? Perhaps I’m afraid that people will think less of me because of what my partner is saying or doing, and having people like me is really important. Perhaps I’m afraid that our relationship will be jeopardized in some way because I don’t like the behavior I’m seeing, and underneath I’m afraid that I’ll be alone. I might then embark on a subtle or overt mission to make my partner change in some way. I tell myself that I’m only trying to help – however, if I’m honest, there’s a sense of urgency or agitation underlying my “helping.” It’s REALLY IMPORTANT to me that my partner changes. If I’m honest to the core, I see that I’m trying to manipulate my partner so that I won’t have to be uncomfortable. Perhaps my partner is ill, yet not following medical advice in some way. I get upset at my partner (a sure sign that something is out of whack!), or perhaps I offer assistance with an apparently calm and helpful voice, but then I get upset when my advice isn’t followed (another sure sign!). What might I be feeling if I instead stayed open and tender and directly experienced my reaction to the situation? The truth is that nothing needs to change for me to be fulfilled, to be content. I’m being internally dishonest whenever I tell myself that the world needs to change before I can be at peace, and if I act on that belief then I deepen my neurotic patterns. What’s the alternative? What if, in those moments of discomfort or upset, I choose to stay vulnerable and relax gently into those uncomfortable feelings, rather than moving into trying to “help” my partner? What if I pause, release the need to act, allow my thoughts to settle, and drop deeper inside? To the extent that I allow myself to fully feel those feelings, without judgment, to that extent their power over me begins to dissolve. Constriction has begun to be replaced by freedom. In that space of peace and contentment, I don’t need my partner to change. Out of that space of freedom, love may want to express itself in the form of saying something to my partner, or it may not. Either way, I won’t be attached to the outcome. You can often tell if you’re being honest by the response to your “helping.” On some level your partner knows whether you’re “help” is clean and heartfelt, or whether it comes from a need to manipulate in order to avoid feeling too vulnerable. Be honest about your motivations for “helping.” True “help” comes from a place of gentle openness, without any agenda that anything needs to change. This may seem confusing in theory. When put into practice, you may find it profound. The more you do it, the more a load lightens from your heart. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved FALSE HOPE False hope is the mistaken belief that we need something in the world to change before we can be relaxed, peaceful, and content. Acting upon false hope is highly destructive in our relationships. It turns us from friends into competitors as we try to extract our needs from each other. False hope makes us close up on the inside. It takes us out of the present moment, and into imagined futures that have no real substance. False hope is the fuel of the ego. There are nine basic flavors of false hope, and they come in clusters of three (see the Enneagram section on my website, <http://www.clear-impact.com> for more information): (1) If I can be strong enough and in control of my situation; or if I can find enough harmony and comfort; or if I can be meet my high internal standards; THEN no one will mess with me, and I’ll be safe and protected, and then I’ll be happy and fulfilled. (2) If I take care of people well enough; or if I can be successful enough; or if I can be special, creative, and unique enough; THEN I’ll be loved unconditionally, I’ll know that I’m of value, and I’ll have a deep and abiding sense of my true identity, and then I’ll be happy and fulfilled. (3) If I can be capable and competent enough; or if I can find enough security and support; or if I can have enough positive experiences; THEN I’ll be safe and secure, confident and serene, with deep inner guidance, wisdom, and support, and then I’ll be happy and fulfilled. None of these work. Haven’t you noticed? No matter how much you get of whatever you believe you need, there’ still something empty and unfulfilled inside. Most of us then tell ourselves that we just need to do our false hopes BETTER – be MORE successful, powerful, knowledgeable, etc. But false hopes will never lead us to be truly nourished inside. Instead, they all take us farther and farther away from the true source of joy and inner peace. They destroy our relationships with each other and with ourselves. What, then is true hope? It’s not anything we can look for, but it’s something we can find. True hope is found when we’ve deeply and warmly accepted the hopelessness of our false hope – when we give up the struggle to find happiness somewhere “out there” – when we stop believing that if we just did MORE of our false hopes then we’d finally be able to rest. True hope emerges when we rest, right now, in the middle of our life situation, exactly as it is. Then our relationships, as well as the rest of our lives, finally have a real foundation to support them, and we discover a sweet inner smile that was just waiting to be seen. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved THAT AGONIZING MOMENT OF CHOICE My commitment is to a conscious relationship. A conscious relationship rests on a foundation of honesty, vulnerability and intimacy. It is based on two hearts expressing freely, rather than on two egos defending their turf and desperately trying to get their needs met. I know that egoic relationships are futile. Our personality structures are constructed from false hopes – beliefs that IF I just had more of something (more respect, more connection, more free time, more acknowledgment, more sex, more kindness, etc.) THEN I could be happy and fulfilled. I know that these are all lies, and if we’re honest with ourselves we all know that. We know that we remain unfulfilled no matter how much of these things we get. We keep looking for more of the same, thinking that we just haven’t gotten enough yet, but there is never enough. I know that happiness and fulfillment cannot be acquired through any sort of doing – that they are fruits of a true way of being in which we remain open and soft, tender and vulnerable to whatever life presents to us. Yet, I continually come to these agonizing moments of choice. They’re the moments when I’m feeling unjustly accused, unfairly blamed, made wrong, not respected, belittled, intruded upon, etc. They’re the moments when I feel myself tighten and close on the inside, and there’s the visceral reaction of my body armoring itself while all of these very loud voices in my head scream responses in defense of myself. They’re so convincing. Their logic seems obvious and irrefutable. From my perspective, they’re so RIGHT, and it feels like this inner chorus absolutely and righteously DEMANDS to be unleashed. In those moments I KNOW there’s a choice to stay vulnerable rather than to defend myself. I KNOW that my attempts to counterattack are a response to my fear of how much I would feel if I stayed open and raw. My patterns are screaming that the pain would be too much. They are doing everything they can to drown out that quiet inner voice that knows better, the quiet inner voice of truth that never competes with those louder egoic voices. In those moments it FEELS like it’s impossible to stay that open, that raw. The loud voices are determined to convince me that it would be much too dangerous. Yet that’s not true, and in that agonizing moment of choice I sometimes am able to rest with my arms figuratively at my sides, allowing the full impact of the moment to penetrate deeply. Sometimes I’m driving away from an altercation, and the same battle is going on inside me. The loud chorus of armed warriors defending me, and the small quiet voice letting me know that I have a choice, that defense is not necessary. It’s the choice of freedom. It’s the choice of truth. And the fruits of that choice are the only things of real value. What we do in those agonizing moments of choice will have a profound affect on the ultimate strength and intimacy of our relationships, both with ourselves and with our partners. I wish for all of us the wisdom and courage to allow our armor to dissolve, in those moments, and in that raw vulnerability to discover our true beauty. copyright © 1999, Dr. Joel M. Rothaizer, all rights reserved Return to top of page
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